I'm in the world of my imagination. I'm conjuring some fantasy of mine. Some fantasy where the friends and lovers who have walked away came back and told me they wanted me back. Told me they saw my worth and my value and would like to hold on to me.
Silent tears stream down my face. This feeling isn't real and it hurts to imagine how happy, cherished and loved it would make me feel.
I'm in the real world and I get a dream job offer. I've interviewed multiple times and they've chosen me, out of ALL of the candidates. They found me the most impressive and decided to put their money on me.
As I tell my sister about the job and she tells me how happy she is for me and how proud she is of me I burst into tears. Automatic tears when my mind automatically tells me it's not true.
The feeling of hope, of admitting longing for something safe and beautiful and comforting is a feeling that sparks shame and an immediate sense of rejection. Like I'm reaching for a treat and someone slaps my hand, scolding me for thinking I could deserve something nice.
I don't understand these feelings. They seem layered, like even though I believe in myself, I don't believe that other people believe in me. Am I just surrounded by the wrong people? How do I let go of these self-defeating beliefs?
